Stress; it's ugly

I have so many things to say, that I don't know how to say it.

I feel all jumbled. School is crazy, work is crazy, family is crazy... all the time. Crazy. I lost my phone, again. I also don't have a whole lot of money. & I miss my family... etc. It just sucks. Oh my gosh & I also want to paint but I never get that far. :[.. I've been so jumbled that I don't know what to draw either... I think my brain is just getting induced with so much information its farting everywhere. haha... Don't quote me on that. But seriously. I need to relax it feels like. But then I never feel fully relaxed... it's crazy business.

Oh & I'm planning on another tattoo. "Spaur" with my grandpa's signature of it. He was a beautiful writer & it means more if it was his handwriting. I'm going to get it on my left arm, outside of my bicep, going up the arm. It's gonna be cool!

Oh & then yay, I also probably have to spend more money to get a new phone... since it miraculously disappeared Friday night. The last I had used it was 11pm while I was in my bedroom... well I just layed my phone on my bed, but there were other people were there. I searched everywhere and I cannot find it. I don't know if someone took it or if I'm blind or something!!!!! I'm so pissed. I've lost my phone, agaaaaainnn. Is this punishment for something or what? This sucks. I feel so, unable to talk to my family and friends. & there's a lot of those!!!! ... but if someone did take my phone, I have no idea why they would... I don't really mess with anyone. I'm pissed as hell tho now! :[

Stress sucks. :[

Random

Am I too lost to be saved? am I too lost....?
Little supernovas in my head,
Little soft pulses in my dead,
We came to see the mobscene,
Little souveneirs and secrets shared,
Dead memories in my heart,
The other me is gone,
now I don't know where I belong.
Pain; we want it.
Pain; we want it.
Pain. pain, pain, pain, pain.
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remembered when I said I'm nothing without you
Look here;
She comes now.
Bow down in staring wonder.
You were my fire;
so I burned.
Till there was nothing left of me.
and somehow you got everybody fooled.
Just to be the death of me.
So go away.
I'll just keep the rest of me....
So go away.

About My Insides

Soo, I've been bad. I haven't blogged nearly the whole summer! It's been pretty fun though.

I've had a lot of time to figure out things. Who I am, who my real friends are, and what means most to me. It has been my first summer completely away from my parents. I mean, I saw them twice over the summer.. but yeah. Other than that... and I now know what it feels like to truly be alone sometimes. Being without my parents totally sucks.. they mean so much to me; my whole family actually. I don't know who or where I'd be if they weren't behind me like they always have been.. and I know I can trust them.. not of a lot of people can say they trust their parents, or even love them. But I'm grateful I can say that. They are the one thing I can rely on when a boy breaks my heart, or when a girl tries to hurt me, or if I can't take something anymore.. I don't easily trust people. That's why they mean so much to me. Because I know they are always honest...

My dad and mom.

But something they can't keep from breaking my heart, is them falling away from me.. I am the youngest of my generation of family. Therefore, everyone is older; and dying. My dearest and only Grandpa I've known, died in 2009... and there will be more angels like him; following him. I will some day be the last one standing out of us. Can you imagine that heartbreak? Being the last one left out of everyone you love... I hope time helps me learn to grow and live without them. It hurts so much the thought of losing them. I don't want to be alone. Someday, this will happen.

My grandma and grandpa.

I hope I find that someone who can relate to me, and always be there for me; like my family I have now. I've met a few great people along the way of life, that can fit the bill for me as 'family.' You know who you are if I've ever told you I love you, or if I've truly happily smiled at you.. and thank you for being there when I need it. I try to be the strongest person I can... but it doesn't always end up that way. It's a definitely easier walk of life when you have friends and family.

My cousins, siblings, grandparents from the Spaur side, and I.

I love you guys. You know who you are. :]

SUMMERTIME!

Recap over the last 2 weeks:

Lazerfest: AWESOME. Hailey Luann and I made the album cover of the Green gallery on the Lazerfest website. lazer1033.com. We got to be right in front of Stone Sour and I got to yell to Corey Taylor that I loved him. I also got on top of 2 different guy's shoulders and I went metal-head crazy for about a good 5 seconds. :] I love Lazerfest! It lets my inner wild child out. I'm totally going again next year.

Finals are also this week. Yay! The school year is almost over. It's been fun but it's also been pretty exhausting. I'm ready to just work at Dairy Queen for a while and have the greatest summer ever! I hope my summer is filled with fishing, bonfires, bbq's, and all that good stuff! Summer is my favorite season. I love going outside and smelling freshly cut grass and bbq food. Oh man. That's the best. And also not having to wear a jacket! Getting tan, and having a great time with your friends doing what ever.

We are also moving into our townhouse on May 27. I can't wait! Then we can get the heck out of the apartments we are at right now. It's going to be amazing! Hopefully we will have tons of fun being out of school, livin' in a townhouse, getting paid, and you know the rest.

Be sure you hit me up this summer, and we will have the best time of our life! :]

Music and LAZERFEST

Sooo. I've been pretty gosh dang excited today.
Lazerfest is in 11 days. Dang straight. I loved Lazerfest last year. And now this year, my Hailey Luann and Pfeifer are coming with from Omaha. And I'll also have a few other cool people from Pella! That should be 'hella' fun!!!

I believe I might try to crowd surf. Sure, it's not supposed to be allowed in concerts. BUT IT'S AWESOME. And who doesn't like crowd surfing? Old people. Yeahh. Eat that! I just loved the rock atmosphere last year. Drinking, fun, music, friends, tattoos! Hell yeah!

I'm totally a rocker type of person. But I have grown to like rap more since college. There is a lot of rap in Omaha compared to whats in Iowa. People are more gangster in Omaha; it's rubbing off on me. But that's okay. It's all good. Omaha is just making me more hood. Even though it's pretty awesome here, I totally miss Iowa some times. I know we're just 'Idiots Out Wondering Around.' But, at least we have a good time! Haha. I never knew about these Iowan insults till I moved here. And I think it's just downright silly. I mean, haven't y'all heard that Iowa is where the tall corn grows? So, F!@# YOU HUSKERS. :].... Naw just kiddin'. But seriously, Iowa's better. :D

Cancer and Dying

You know what I'm most scared of? Dying from cancer. I've watched 2 grandparents die from it. I was a pall bearer at their funerals. I was their yougest grandchild... I feel like they spoiled me the most. They had tried to show me so much love... and I think this is why I've loved my grandparents so much. The only memories I have of them are just love...
I will most likely die of cancer some day. It's just probably in the cards for me. And some day I will have children and grandchildren. It will hurt so much to watch them suffer because of me. I know it's a part of life, but it will be the hardest thing to ever do.
I remember being around my only grandpa when he was dying. It just broke my heart each time I saw him; there was nothing I could do. We watched him at first give up on life, then as the end was nearing he wanted to try to live again... the doctors told us that he wouldn't be able to handle the radiation treatment. He was pretty far along and he was 80. But now I have heard that people are trying the radiation anyway; even if they're "too old." And more people are surviving. When I heard that, it pissed me heck off. My grandpa is an unbelievable fighter for everything he has. And they told him no... we told him no because we didn't think it would work. If we just fought some more my grandpa would be here...
We just need to find a cure for cancer. Cancer is my ultimate fear. And we need to find the cure now; so nobody else has to suffer from it.

Thinking...

School just sucks on Wednesdays. And I ended up waking up late today too. Last night was the first night I've gotten 8 hours of sleep in a while, and I slept in? That's silly. I think 8 hours is too much for me. Oh well. I don't really care on Wednesdays. As long as I get my stuff done!

But tonight might not be that awesome either. Me and Hailey are supposed to take out our insanely quiet roommate for her birthday. I suppose it might be fun. It just sucks that she doesn't like to do anything me and Hailey do. It's strange how we got placed with her in our apartments. Once again, oh well! Hailey and I will be moving out soon. And we will be living with 2 pretty sweet cats. :]

So, I think my thinking process has grown to an insane amount. I think it's good though. I feel like Albert Einstein. But I don't have much proof for my thinking. Is it possible for some random person to be as great as Einstein, or Da Vinci was? They were amazing thinkers. I think they didn't get much school either. Pretty sure Einstein didn't finish high school, but he somehow became a genius?... Now I might be getting a big head here, but what if my thoughts are really so amazing that I come out to be like the masters? I suppose it's possible. But how does one know if they are great? Before people became famous and became known for what they've done; they were doubted. Einstein was doubted A LOT. I'm sure Da Vinci was. I know Raphael; everyone thought he was a bum. He didn't go out much, he was ugly, and he stunk, but he was good. Humans now look at these old masters as amazing... Will people 100 years from now think that my ideas are amazing? & I mean, my life isn't close to being over yet either... if I live at least 50 more years... then 50 more years of crazy Alaina stuff... man. This is going to be crazy but it's going to happen.